Thursday was Ken’s birthday. It was a tough day for me. As I have said often this year, the firsts and the lasts are the most difficult: the first time I do something alone that we had done together for decades, the last time I eat something Ken grew or raised for example.
Thursday I was coming home from visiting my parents. It was so good to see them. There was much to do before I felt comfortable leaving – getting wood cut, getting off peak back up heat installed, finding someone to stay here while I am gone. I have deep gratitude for all the people who helped me with wood. Thank you also to Archer who cared for my animals and place with such attention and enthusiasm. I came home to a warm house, a full wood rack, a clean kitchen and more.
Seeing my parents was wonderful. After Ken’s death they have helped me with so much support – they know, love and accept me, encourage me and help me realize I am making progress. Often I can only see what needs to be done.
Visiting my parents also had some tough spots. Although I had made the journey alone before, it was the first time I couldn’t call Ken to share stories of the day, to report on how things had changed in an area he loved visiting, and to hear what was going on at home. At one point my mother mentioned how Ken would have enjoyed something or even hearing about it; she wondered how often I think that same thought.
And it was the first time Ken did not pick me up at the airport, and the first time I drove to a home without Ken. Thank you to my friend Tom who picked me up and I am so lucky to have a cat and dog who were so glad to see me.
As I told my father, this is not something to be fixed. I cannot be rescued no matter how much someone wishes they could rescue me. It is something to be gotten through. And like the phoenix, I truly believe I shall rise again in a better form. I am grateful for all the help I have received