Odd. In the midst of loss there is an opening of possibilities – do I stay here? Do I garden? Do I keep tractors or sell them? Do I learn things Ken did? Do I hire them out? My life has changed. I have many decisions to make.
I have started by sorting through stuff. Mine first.
This was the rags a couple weeks ago. I am down to a few coats.
Now these without seams or buttons get sorted and go out in barrels
After a week of overreacting to many situations, I realized I have been avoiding a couple daunting tasks. In the Ken did the set up part in the past and I do not know how to do what he did. – don’t know that part of the process, the sequence, how to use the tools and equipment. It is frustrating because I can’t walk out the door and do my part – what I know. Do I ask for help? Do I hire it out? Tough questions. No clear answers.
Asking for help is tough for me; I really am a little red hen, do-it-myself type. I miss scheduling with Ken around weather . Each morning when someone comes to help I cry – of course I am grateful for the help, but I also miss the ease of doing it with Ken. We had decades of working together with honing who did which part of the job. And in many tasks I never knew his part and he never knew mine.
So, what I realized this week is that I really want is to be rescued. As a feminist aspiring to be Rosie the Riveter this is a real tough realization. But yes, there is a part of me hoping a man like Merlin will show up with his wand.
Now that I recognize it and laugh at myself I can move forward.